My Mother.

As with most people my age, I have a very hot & cold relationship with my mother. It could be because we are so much alike, but I like to believe it’s because my mother is literally out of her gourd half the time.  My parents moved from Illinois to Arizona a couple years ago, and the move was very hard on her.  She was use to feeding every kid in the neighborhood, working in her garden all day, and taking care of me and my brother whenever we were around. She was a stay at home mom my entire life, and it was common knowledge that her life revolved around my brother and I.  After we left for college my brothers friends continued to stop by and hang out in the basement like they always had.  Some would even stop over on Friday nights when they knew she was going to be making homemade pizza.  A few even called her for rides home when they were too loaded to drive. My mother loved this. Having kids around constantly brought out her nurturing instinct she never knew she had.

Naturally, when my dad decided to sell his business and uproot him and my mother to the desolate Southwest, she was lost.  Two years later, she is still fighting the move and vows that one day they will move back to the house they made a home, decorating it with pictures and an aquarium and even some aquarium ornaments for it, her children, and the kids she raised like her own. Until then, I try to visit when I can and keep in touch as much as is normal. Despite this, we still fight much more than we ever did when she was living here. I blame her unhappiness, she blames it on us being too much alike.  But that isn’t even the point of my story. The point is that no matter how far away, how upset, angry, disconnected or different me and my mother are, I still value her opinion..and I seek it when I feel I really need it.

I don’t like phone calls. People call me on the phone and I just clam up. I like to think things through before I say them. I like to think before I answer a question. I like to plan what I’m going to say. So I text. I had texted my mom a few times last week and received no reply. I was pretty mad, since I felt some of them were fairly important and she had just blown me off. So last night, I told my dad that I was done texting her because she never replied! Sure enough, I get a text from my mom saying she deleted her inbox and didn’t get them. I told her I had been upset last week and to just forget about it.  Immediately she knew why I was upset and started offering suggestions on what to do about it all. We wrote back and forth for about an hour, until finally she told me to just go to bed and think about it tomorrow with a clear head. This morning I woke up and reread all the texts that were sent, and I still feel what she said is right. She told me that no matter how you live your life, you are going to make mistakes. People, no matter who they are, are going to judge you for those mistakes. Everyone is always going to have an opinion.  People can tell you what to do a million times, but if you aren’t ready to do it, you won’t. Someday you will wake up and realize you are over it, and you will be.  You will walk away from all of it and never look back.  If it makes you happy, do it. If it doesn’t, then stop.

Although she never told me what to do, and I still don’t know where to go from here, I feel a little better.  At this time in my life I have a million people all telling me their opinion, but the only opinion that matters is my own. Maybe when I figure out what I want from life, I will be able to make those decisions. Or maybe I’ll just ask my mom.

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